“When I was younger, I just held on until the clouds passed days later. Those clouds came with doom and gloom and suicide.
For about 30 years, I was stuck at age 8. Like a movie disc that gets stuck, (don’t you hate that?) I rotated to about the age 12. I am growing up. I’m 51. As the “c” signifies… it’s complex.
Stemming from sexual abuse as a toddler by a 12-year-old cousin. As typical, the trauma left untreated left an opening for further victimization and hypersensitivity and vigilance.
As normal, no one in the family wants to admit, deal with let alone seek help for matters dealing with such perversion in their own family, so I learned to deal with it.
Shut it away, toughen up, “grow up, stop crying about it.” It is amusing to me how others see me… tough, independent, hardwired, ready for anything…a fighter. I see me as shaky, about to lose everything, alone, isolated, tired and sad.
As years passed I recognized a pattern.. SAD. It’s also really bad about 10 days before my cycle. I prayed a lot, held on to Psalm 18. Trusted knowing that if no one else was there, God was and also my dog. I sang a lot, played, music and drew. I wrote poems.
In my 40s I discovered that on top of all that, I have a food allergy that would trigger severe thoughts of suicide… it would take days before I started feeling right, (absence of anxiety, pain, disturbing thoughts)
49, diagnosed CPTSD and ADD, GAD. Hold on, take a deep breath, educate yourself… Google things that come to you… follow up, take it seriously and know that you are worth any pains it takes to feel better. Vitamins are a huge thing, D, B12, B6, Chromium Pic…, Zink, Fic Acid… do your research, monitor yourself, journal, tell somebody that is trustworthy, find your support group.
You are not alone, there are many studies that can help us now, this page is a great step. When you truly feel you’ve reached the end, reach a little further… for the phone and call someone, day or night, people do care and you are important.”
I am not always suicidal I just have thoughts of just not wanting to be here I have lost my daddy I had cancer I lost my husband then my mom my best friend and also most of my best friends. I want to be with them no o e else really cares about me that unconditionally