It’s okay not to be okay.

Feeling so anxious. Feeling so on the edge. Feeling paralysed. Feeling as if I’m not really here. No energy to talk. Too sensitive to the noise around me. No energy to talk back. Just please leave me alone. Or care a little to see that I’m struggling right now. So much pressure on my head. It feels so heavy. My eyes so dry and tired. My throat so sore and dry. My legs as if they’re not able to move further. My mind racing with thoughts. I want to run away. No, I want to stay. I want to make it work. I’m okay, this too shall pass. But it’s not passing as soon as I would like it too.

This week has been exhausting. And yet I can’t say it’s been majorly productive. But I haven’t felt like this in a while..

Distractions. Having something playing in the background while I do work seems like a great idea. It almost seems like I can’t do anything without the background noise. Watching countless rom coms with the same plot. Wondering why am I looking for happiness and love in tv programs and movies? It’s nice to be distracted for a while. But once you’re too used to it, when the distractions are not there and it’s just you and your mind. It can get a little hectic and scary, like right now. That’s why you turn to the distractions right? So you don’t have to listen to all that.

Guilt. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing a lot more than I am. Sometimes I feel that ‘normal’ people and everyone else around me can go out and y’know, have a job, life, friends but I can’t do that right now. What does that make me? I want to travel, see the world, yet I can’t leave my own house? I know this is going to change, things are changing, I am getting better. But the people around me still see the old me… Do they not want me to get better? Do they just not believe in me? Is it easier for them to do that? Changes are scary. And I’m so scared. But maybe I shouldn’t be, because ‘normal’ people can do so many things that I struggle with, without a second thought. My exposures are going well too, most of the time, sometimes they aren’t. The feeling of guilt comes a lot. When something has gone a lot worse than I expected. When I can’t do something as well as I did the day before or last week. Am I doing enough? Why am I so fucking scared of living? Should I be doing more? Should I just ‘get over myself’ and get a fucking ‘normal’ job?

Am I getting too ahead of myself? For once in so many months I’ve had bigger dreams, and motivation to do things. But is that all too much for me to handle right now? I want to do great things. I want to help others. I want to help everyone as much as I can and more. But, I need to help myself, right? I can take a ‘break’ from helping others. But I can’t take a break from helping myself. Or maybe I can. That’s where the distractions come in. But at the end, they make it all so much worse. Like now.

Or maybe it’s making it better. Because once again I feel so down. So they only way is up now? It’s good to be aware of something. I wasn’t aware of that before or I tried to distract myself from being aware. Just sometimes you just want a break from all the anxieties and worries. All those thoughts and sensations. It can get so tiring and daunting.

It’s like I’m in a constant argument in my head. It’s so challenging to feel like this and having people around you who don’t get it, at all. Sometimes the simplest tasks can be so overwhelming. This ends up building and building up so much that I end up feeling like this..

But it gets so much worse when I run away from it. I know that.. So this is a step a step forward, facing those emotions.

Writing about this made me feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

K. <3