“I have been struggling with Clinical Depression, PTSD, Bulimia, traits of Psychosis and OCD, self-harm and suicide ideation since around the age of 13.
This came around after a traumatic event I faced a couple of days after my 13th birthday. I have also struggled with hearing difficulties from the age of 6, and sight difficulties from the age of 11, which a problem has never been found for either and was put down to poor messaging to and from the brain. I am now aided with hearings and glasses to try and improve my sensory difficulties.
Until about a year ago I was battling bulimia because I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone. I was obsessed with being slim and wanted nothing more than to lose weight. I hardly kept down one meal a day, and felt guilty after every piece of food I ate, this has drastically improved now and I am much healthier in my eating behaviours.
The depression and PTSD have been a big struggle for me for many years and still are now. I lost the love in everything I used to enjoy, I lost the motivation to get out of bed every morning, I struggled to keep up with my personal hygiene and I really didn’t care about anything. I don’t think I was ever sad, just a constant feeling of nothing. It got to a point where I started to question the point of even living. I have attempted to take my own life 7 times and in October 2014 after a pretty severe attempt, I was admitted into an inpatient unit where I spent 5 months. It was a very hard long process, and I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable enough to go into detail about my experiences inside. I was in a very bad place and it was a very hard time for me.
Luckily with a lot of help and support from the nurses, I was discharged with a better mindset than I previously had. No I’m not better, no I’m not recovered and yes I still struggle but I will never be able to thank them enough for pulling me through that part of my life.
Unfortunately, in the meantime, I was readmitted to hospital in September 2015, where I am still an impatient now, but looking at discharge in the next couple of weeks. Jessie J’s music has been my biggest therapy for as long as I can remember. She is such a huge inspiration to me and I honestly don’t know where I would be right now if I hadn’t found her music. She has got me through my toughest days… I will forever be thankful for her being the light in my life and the main reason I am able to wake up in a morning, she keeps me constantly inspired to grow, learn and adapt and to use past experiences as learning curves.
Recovery is one hard process but I want/need to do this not just for me but also for the people I love around me.
I reckon the hardest part of all this was admitting how much I was struggling way back in the beginning, but for anyone who needs support or guidance or just a shoulder to lean on, don’t be afraid to talk to someone. I know it’s scary, trust me I know, but you won’t regret it.
Life is worth living and with the right mindset, you will see how beautiful life can really be. Stop destroying yourself, you are so beautiful and so worthy of everything you gain and achieve. Keep going. No matter how steep the climb, how long the road, how many obstacles. Everything will be okay.
It’s not easy right now but it will be soon. You are worth recovery. You are so important. I know it’s hard to believe and you’re convinced everyone hates you but trust me when I promise you that they don’t. And more people love you than you realise.
Maybe you’ve made mistakes, maybe you feel you have no reason to feel like you do, maybe you’ve been through things that have taken away a strong part of you, no matter what your story you are enough. Please believe it. I’m still working on believing it myself, and some days are way harder than others.
But the one thing I’ve found is the hardest part is believing you are worthy of recovery. Well, you are. Don’t ever question it.”
