I’m trying to accept that I will never be ‘skinny’.
I’ve always been curvy. I’ve always had big hips, thighs and no matter how much I exercise or lose weight they’re not going anywhere.
Since being little I haven’t worn shorts with no tights or sleeveless tops in public.
No matter how hot it was, I would wear longer sleeves, cardigans, and tights ALWAYS. I would sweat so much but I didn’t feel like I could show the parts of my body that I hated so much & was soooo ashamed of my body!
Being told you’re fat for most of your life can take its toll.
I would either cover my body from scars or from ‘fat’.
Eating disorder didn’t make me skinny. So I thought that I didn’t really have one for a long time because I wasn’t skinny!
The amount of starvation I did, didn’t make me loose weight. It just made my metabolism really bad. I would starve then feel like I’m gonna pass out, I wasn’t able to function properly. Then eventually I would end up binge eating!
I couldn’t even look at myself in a mirror. I hated everything.
& Oh how much I used to hate food. I MADE myself hate it and feel so guilty for eating it. Eating around people became impossible.
I don’t even know how I got out of the cycle of it all. I knew that I was the one who made myself hate everything. So I thought I could try to start liking it again?
It took sooooo much more time to have a ‘normal’ relationship with food.
During all that, my body suffered more. I never learned to accept it for what it is.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, being called fat isn’t right or pleasant. And if you’re constantly being called that it’s the only thing you end up believing.
For years I’ve been seeing a different person in the mirror.
Now I’m actually trying to see myself & my body for what it is.
Apparently taking photos of yourself helps to see the true you. I heard that somewhere, I don’t know if its true. Because it’s really hard to do. My first instinct is to notice all these things that I’m not happy about.
Today I felt good about myself and I like what I was wearing. Until I started to take pictures of it😏
I guess this is just part of the process. I’m in a lot much better place than I was before.