I thought I was ‘fine’…
So why do I let myself feel guilty after eating again? Why do I let other people words and judgment influence my feelings?
I am not at my worst, but have I ever been at my best?
I’ve read articles about how taking pictures of your body helps with ED. It’s supposed to help you to actually see what you really look like, rather than what you think or what other people say.
I know that at my worst I wasn’t even able to look in the mirror let alone take pictures of myself.
Now I can see the pattern, where I’ve been feeling good, I thinking I look acceptable, I might even like what I’m wearing and I’ll take a picture of myself. My Instagram was becoming full of them at one point!
But all of sudden I began to feel like I’m at a standstill. Or maybe even taking steps back. I haven’t really felt like that. Little things triggered those feelings, but I let them get to me…
I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past six months and I’ve also made my body a lot healthier and stronger too!
But I’ve had a hard time accepting those changes…
I’ve never been ‘skinny’ or I’ve never let myself believe that I was. At my skinniest, I felt bigger than ever! I dread this feeling (which is silly, I know) I look at pictures from those times, and I feel so sorry for myself. My mind convinced me, I let it convinced me that I was BIG! VERY big! In my previous post about ED I spoke about how I wasn’t able to wear shorts/skirts/dresses without tights, how I always had to wear long sleeves, it wouldn’t matter how hot it was, I just didn’t feel comfortable in my body, at all! I was so ashamed of it.
This is something I’ve been working on a lot in the past months.
The picture that I’ve posted tonight I could’ve never dreamed that I even would be comfortable enough to stand in front of a mirror like this, let alone share it on the internet.
But believe me, it wasn’t easy. I was so uncomfortable, I had a panic attack, I felt so vulnerable! I stood there crying. But knowing that I have to keep going, I want to be able to accept myself, for who I am and how I look right now! I just stayed there with this horrible and uncomfortable feeling. Trying hard not to judge myself. Wondering what it feels like to fully accept myself.
When I was a little girl I felt the effect of media that only focused on skinny girls, it seemed like nothing else was ‘acceptable’. I was always the chubby one (or even when I wasn’t I still got told that I was).
Then as years went on, the acceptance of curviness, plus size has grown more and more. I felt like I could relate to that so much more. Then it went from one extreme to another… And with people like Kim K (and MANY MORE) who have the money to have the best personal trainer or make anything, they want fake.. Comparing yourself to people like that it’s so unrealistic and disappointing.
It felt like as soon as I was accepting my plus sized body, the weight was dropping off me (I lost weight after changing my diet, I didn’t change my diet to lose weight, though..) And that felt super weird!
But I tried straight away to accept my body for how it was. Without the need to think about changing something every time I looked in the mirror.
As months went on I had to update my wardrobe to smaller clothes and it just felt so nice to have clothes that actually fit me again. I thought I was really beginning to accept myself. I even started to wear shorts and playsuits WITHOUT tights or short sleeve tops!
I’m having a little wobble right now, but I know I can get back to at least trying to be more accepting of myself. Sometimes I just feel weird about it all. I almost still class myself as plus size? Like even at my biggest, I barely ‘formally’ fitted into that category, but I still feel like it’s part of who I am?
It’s almost hard to accept myself at this size, it feels new, it feels scary. It does remind me of the time that I really wasn’t well and I was probably a size down from where I’m at right now. So maybe that’s it? I’m just scared to feel how I used to…But I am so much more aware of what’s actually going on right now.
It feels so weird that I should be celebrating my body. Like how do I do that? It seems like the majority of people are so judgemental of ANYONE posting pictures of themselves, everyone judges what’s acceptable. But if you like your own body, which you should, right? It’s your damn right to flaunt it all over the internet!!!
I’ve been following a lot of body positive accounts on Instagram and every time a photo pops up I think wow! You’re so brave! I could NEVER post a picture showing my body. Their confidence shines through those photos and I love it!
The photos I’ve taken tonight… I wouldn’t even be able to stand in front of the mirror like this six months ago, let alone take pictures.
I share a lot with you guys. This post is one of those harder things to talk about for me. But I know the last post about my ED helped a lot of you! And I always want you to know and feel that you’re not alone.
Spread the kindness.
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I think you also need to be proud of your mind. You have such strength to push yourself and are such an inspiration to those of us who are also trapped in a body and mind we struggle to accept. Thank you again for sharing this powerful and personal message. Xx
I agree with Benji, you have developed a much keener sense of self and awareness about your thought processes and emotional states ; you analyse and understand where you are, and where you come from.
It’s important to take a step back from negative self-image and imagine what you would tell this person as a constructive criticism, and also search for a more balanced, more objective point of view.
When you feel you are too big, too small, too tall, too short, or whatever else : ask yourself, is it true, or just a question of relative image to another state of appearance?
Don’t forget that societal norms vary greatly – in time and space. Currently, a lot of our modern countries value skinny bodies, but elsewhere on our planet, other people value curves and even ”plus sizes”.
However, this skinny pride is a rather new concept! new in our human history, because the ideals of fashion and appearance changed in the past 60 or so years… before that, curves were ”the thing”.
Look at women like Marilyn Monroe, and many others of her period, and before : they were sex symbols, revered and idolized for their sexiness – yet in modern terms, they were ”too fat” and wouldn’t be chosen for normal fashion shoots…
If you look much further in the past, our ancestors left us statues of very curvy women, what we would consider now obese – and which were signs of fertility…
Think about it, being ”fatter” meant that the women could carry and feed her babies, whilst being a scrawny woman would be risky for pregnancy, yet along feeding the baby after delivery… (feeding in the natural sense of breast feeding, not those baby formulas our race invented, but that’s a whole other subject).
The most important parts with your body aren’t to conform to fickle societal standards which may change – but to your own self-image (not comparing to others, though), and your health.
Be comfy with yourself, don’t mind others! beauty isn’t in the eye of the behold as they say, but in your own, Kay 🙂
As you learn to shift your self image and expectations, you can work on your relationship to food and eat without guilt. You are worthy of eating well, and enough to sustain your levels of activity 🙂
You are strong, and I believe in you, and your abilities. Please do as well, you are much stronger than you think