I thought I was ‘fine’…
So why do I let myself feel guilty after eating again? Why do I let other people words and judgment influence my feelings?
I am not at my worst, but have I ever been at my best?
I’ve read articles about how taking pictures of your body helps with ED. It’s supposed to help you to actually see what you really look like, rather than what you think or what other people say.
I know that at my worst I wasn’t even able to look in the mirror let alone take pictures of myself.
Now I can see the pattern, where I’ve been feeling good, I thinking I look acceptable, I might even like what I’m wearing and I’ll take a picture of myself. My Instagram was becoming full of them at one point!
But all of sudden I began to feel like I’m at a standstill. Or maybe even taking steps back. I haven’t really felt like that. Little things triggered those feelings, but I let them get to me…
I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past six months and I’ve also made my body a lot healthier and stronger too!
But I’ve had a hard time accepting those changes…
I’ve never been ‘skinny’ or I’ve never let myself believe that I was. At my skinniest, I felt bigger than ever! I dread this feeling (which is silly, I know) I look at pictures from those times, and I feel so sorry for myself. My mind convinced me, I let it convinced me that I was BIG! VERY big! In my previous post about ED I spoke about how I wasn’t able to wear shorts/skirts/dresses without tights, how I always had to wear long sleeves, it wouldn’t matter how hot it was, I just didn’t feel comfortable in my body, at all! I was so ashamed of it.
This is something I’ve been working on a lot in the past months.
The picture that I’ve posted tonight I could’ve never dreamed that I even would be comfortable enough to stand in front of a mirror like this, let alone share it on the internet.
But believe me, it wasn’t easy. I was so uncomfortable, I had a panic attack, I felt so vulnerable! I stood there crying. But knowing that I have to keep going, I want to be able to accept myself, for who I am and how I look right now! I just stayed there with this horrible and uncomfortable feeling. Trying hard not to judge myself. Wondering what it feels like to fully accept myself.
When I was a little girl I felt the effect of media that only focused on skinny girls, it seemed like nothing else was ‘acceptable’. I was always the chubby one (or even when I wasn’t I still got told that I was).
Then as years went on, the acceptance of curviness, plus size has grown more and more. I felt like I could relate to that so much more. Then it went from one extreme to another… And with people like Kim K (and MANY MORE) who have the money to have the best personal trainer or make anything, they want fake.. Comparing yourself to people like that it’s so unrealistic and disappointing.
It felt like as soon as I was accepting my plus sized body, the weight was dropping off me (I lost weight after changing my diet, I didn’t change my diet to lose weight, though..) And that felt super weird!
But I tried straight away to accept my body for how it was. Without the need to think about changing something every time I looked in the mirror.
As months went on I had to update my wardrobe to smaller clothes and it just felt so nice to have clothes that actually fit me again. I thought I was really beginning to accept myself. I even started to wear shorts and playsuits WITHOUT tights or short sleeve tops!
I’m having a little wobble right now, but I know I can get back to at least trying to be more accepting of myself. Sometimes I just feel weird about it all. I almost still class myself as plus size? Like even at my biggest, I barely ‘formally’ fitted into that category, but I still feel like it’s part of who I am?
It’s almost hard to accept myself at this size, it feels new, it feels scary. It does remind me of the time that I really wasn’t well and I was probably a size down from where I’m at right now. So maybe that’s it? I’m just scared to feel how I used to…But I am so much more aware of what’s actually going on right now.
It feels so weird that I should be celebrating my body. Like how do I do that? It seems like the majority of people are so judgemental of ANYONE posting pictures of themselves, everyone judges what’s acceptable. But if you like your own body, which you should, right? It’s your damn right to flaunt it all over the internet!!!
I’ve been following a lot of body positive accounts on Instagram and every time a photo pops up I think wow! You’re so brave! I could NEVER post a picture showing my body. Their confidence shines through those photos and I love it!
The photos I’ve taken tonight… I wouldn’t even be able to stand in front of the mirror like this six months ago, let alone take pictures.
I share a lot with you guys. This post is one of those harder things to talk about for me. But I know the last post about my ED helped a lot of you! And I always want you to know and feel that you’re not alone.
Spread the kindness.
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