“My fight with depression began 3 years ago, although I didn’t have any particular reason, nothing happened, I just felt unloved and in need of help and I started going to a therapist. After some time I stopped, cause being the age of 17, I couldn’t quite understand everything he was telling me.
Next year I had trauma, I lost my best friend on my birthday and those were the worst days of my life, I would cry all the time and I really felt hopeless and so very very guilty.
After some time I moved to a bigger city and started going to uni, and I thought I would have a brand new start. Everything was new, there were so many new people that could have been my new best friends but everything I could think about was just: If I had lost a person that was my best friend for 15 years, what’s the point of meeting anyone new.
After a while, I met a person that I thought it would save me. But he didn’t. He lied, he manipulated with me and drove me crazy. With him, I’ve hit rock bottom of depression. I can’t quite remember all of it, there were days when I would just sleep, for 20 hours, then cry the moment I wake up, then continue to sleep.Those days were better than the ones when I couldn’t sleep, I would go for days without food or sleep and then just collapse.I started smoking, I wasn’t eating. That was the time I started going to a therapist once again, and this time I understood everything he was telling me, and it got better for a while. That was this spring.
During summer I had panic attacks but for me, that wasn’t the worse, it’s what came after. Depersonalisation. I wasn’t aware of anything, it was like I shut down like my mind nor body couldn’t take anything anymore. There was no crying, no pain, but there was no joy or laughter either. No nothing. I felt like a corpse. I became suicidal, I felt lost and so hopeless. And it still amazes me how people can be so careless. Like when I would hear: You are just talking about suicide but you will never do it, is what actually scared me the most. Cause no one knows your fight, and sentence, I only hear the mocking of it, like you are weak cause you are still alive like you are not brave enough to take your own life. And it’s no shame to keep fighting it. I did. And I got better.
I am better. And today I use all of this as my strength. All these scars remind me that I got through it and that there are things in life worth of waking up in the morning. I woke up from my depersonalisation, I loved again, I have friends and I am aware that it might not be forever, but I make the best of it.
Music became a huge part of my life, I started busking on street and there I met so many good people just passing me by but leaving a mark on my life, reminding me that there ARE wonderful, wonderful people. I’ve learned to appreciate everything while I have it, I’ve also learned to stay away from bad people that lie and that mock your fight. SO to anyone reading, please do the same, don’t let them get you down, and stay strong.”
Natalija’s Youtube channel; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ff9T89Azy4
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