Relapse isn’t a sign of failure

DSC_0140.JPGLast year I lost lots of weight unintentionally, which really triggered some of the old habits and monsters of eating disorder back into my life.

I started to work out more, restrict myself more and weigh myself so much more.
I didn’t think this was bad at first.
Until when I tried to break this pattern, I then realised how hard it was to do. I told myself that I wouldn’t use my weighting scale for three weeks (because really who needs to know their weight so often?!) but I wasn’t able to do that then, I think I went a few days without it, and desperately ‘needed’ to check that I didn’t put extra weight on.. That’s when I realised there was more of a problem there. I thought I was happy with my new body, yet I constantly tried to change it, and make it ‘perfect’.

I realised that I loved the sense of achievement when I lost more weight. But I also was realising how ridiculous that was becoming. I lost the sense of awareness of how I actually felt in my body and of myself.
The thought of getting rid of the weighing scale filled me with anxiety and fear. I was angry at myself for getting so caught up in this shit again.
But once again I was there, scared of becoming bigger. Scared of putting weight on, scared of fat.

I used to exercise in front of the mirror and literally hating my body and having meltdowns because of the way my ‘fat’ thighs, arms and belly moved. I compared myself so much to everyone around me and to those fitness trainers and ‘body goals’ on Instagram.

Eventually, I took a step back from all that, I got rid of the weighing scale which was soo bloody hard. But it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I unfollowed all the accounts that triggered me and instead followed accounts like @bodyposipanda .And I finally started to focus on me.

Last summer was full of ED monster constantly creeping up on me. And I was constantly challenging it. It wasn’t easy. But I took it one step at the time and I just kept pushing through it. Sometimes falling back down, but always getting back up and pushing through it again.

I didn’t get to where I am now overnight, it took a lot of tears, ups and downs, breakdowns and relapses. I realised that relapse isn’t a sign of failure. Recovery isn’ a straight line, we might fall apart a lot, but we keep going!

As far as my overall mental health goes, I still have a lotttt of things I’m working on daily. But I am always making progress (even if sometimes I take two steps back and one forward).
And FINALLY, I feel happy and grateful for my healthy and strong body! Don’t get me wrong, I still have those moments where I’m not 100% with certain parts of my body, but that’s okay!!

Your body is good regardless of how it looks. You are MORE than beautiful! You’re unique!πŸ’–

“Your body is an instrument for YOUR use, not an ornament to be admired”πŸ˜Šβœ¨πŸ’œ

K. ❀

 

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Kay’s NEW BLOG www.kayska.com

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PATREON’s THIS MONTH:
Stuart, https://www.flickr.com/photos/74009/
Harry, https://mindlessmuso.wordpress.com

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2 thoughts on “Relapse isn’t a sign of failure

  1. I saw your video on Instagram and it’s awesome. Good for you. I’m sure it will inspire others to be more free. As soon as I saw it, I was reminded of an ornament my mom had that said, “Sing like no one’s listening.” (I would “like” it but when I go to click the heart icon my internal “don’t be creepy” alarms go off.)

    Liked by 1 person

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