I started to work out more, restrict myself more and weigh myself so much more.
I didn’t think this was bad at first.
Until when I tried to break this pattern, I then realised how hard it was to do. I told myself that I wouldn’t use my weighting scale for three weeks (because really who needs to know their weight so often?!) but I wasn’t able to do that then, I think I went a few days without it, and desperately ‘needed’ to check that I didn’t put extra weight on.. That’s when I realised there was more of a problem there. I thought I was happy with my new body, yet I constantly tried to change it, and make it ‘perfect’.
I realised that I loved the sense of achievement when I lost more weight. But I also was realising how ridiculous that was becoming. I lost the sense of awareness of how I actually felt in my body and of myself.
The thought of getting rid of the weighing scale filled me with anxiety and fear. I was angry at myself for getting so caught up in this shit again.
But once again I was there, scared of becoming bigger. Scared of putting weight on, scared of fat.
I used to exercise in front of the mirror and literally hating my body and having meltdowns because of the way my ‘fat’ thighs, arms and belly moved. I compared myself so much to everyone around me and to those fitness trainers and ‘body goals’ on Instagram.
Eventually, I took a step back from all that, I got rid of the weighing scale which was soo bloody hard. But it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I unfollowed all the accounts that triggered me and instead followed accounts like @bodyposipanda .And I finally started to focus on me.
Last summer was full of ED monster constantly creeping up on me. And I was constantly challenging it. It wasn’t easy. But I took it one step at the time and I just kept pushing through it. Sometimes falling back down, but always getting back up and pushing through it again.
I didn’t get to where I am now overnight, it took a lot of tears, ups and downs, breakdowns and relapses. I realised that relapse isn’t a sign of failure. Recovery isn’ a straight line, we might fall apart a lot, but we keep going!
As far as my overall mental health goes, I still have a lotttt of things I’m working on daily. But I am always making progress (even if sometimes I take two steps back and one forward).
And FINALLY, I feel happy and grateful for my healthy and strong body! Don’t get me wrong, I still have those moments where I’m not 100% with certain parts of my body, but that’s okay!!
Your body is good regardless of how it looks. You are MORE than beautiful! You’re unique!💖
“Your body is an instrument for YOUR use, not an ornament to be admired”😊✨💜
Kay’s NEW BLOG www.kayska.com
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