“I’ve had depression for two, going on three, years and it has changed my life… but now I’m finally starting to think it was for the better.
In 2013, the day after Theophany posted his music Times End on his website, I began my Zelda Tumblr blog and started my deep descent into fandom hell. Back then, though, it was my fandom heaven and I lived to be on that account. Every day I visited and started roleplaying and making new friends. Suddenly I was in constant contact with people from across the world and it was the most amazing experience I had ever had.
But I had become so enveloped in that world… Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, until I realized that I was hiding from my real life. I was in a relationship and I was happy, for the most part, but something started to happen to me that my mood drops became insufferable and I was overwhelmed with sadness constantly. The feeling of love and excitement I used to feel at every minute of every day was being replaced at breakneck speed and it terrified me. Suddenly, I’d break down for seemingly no reason and I wouldn’t be able to pull myself back up out of it. No one could reach me there.
That being said, my relationship ended and that was the hardest thing I’d ever had to go through. People say, hey, life shouldn’t be about your significant other, you should love yourself and that’s all well and good, but when you’re committed to someone and thinking that they’re the be all end all, you crumble once they’re gone. We live in a world where having a partner is the GOAL, besides having a successful career. I hadn’t been taught yet that there are different types of love and those are the kind the matter the most.
So I hid. I started hiding behind Willow and becoming someone a bit different from myself. I didn’t hate it, but at the same time, I didn’t recognize myself. It came to a point that when I looked in the mirror, I felt as though I were staring right through myself.
I often reached out for help, seeking advice from older people and people with similar experiences and hoping that they would be my magic “cure”, but a lot of people just can’t grasp mental illness no matter how hard they try. The people I’ve talked to about this over and over again are still as convinced, as they were from day one, that medication isn’t needed and that you need to change your mindset and go outside more. They don’t realize that this is one of the most hurtful things you could say to someone with depression and anxiety.
This is what you, a person assumedly with no experience, need to know.
We know all this already. We’ve gone through all the motions. If it were as simple as wishing to be better and then magically getting better, this problem wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t be talking to you about it today. You wouldn’t hear about it and the suicides that happen because someone felt so alone. What you don’t understand is, we know it’s ridiculous. We know one day it could possibly change. But right now? That’s not happening. It’s a journey and We. Need. Help. And if we decide to come to you for help, I really hope that you will listen because that’s how we stay alive and that’s how we gain our hope back. If you believe in us, we can believe in us, too.
It’s been two, going on three years, and even though this might be temporary I’ve been seeing a bit of a light. I’ve been more active lately though my antidepressants make me incessantly exhausted. I’ve been off birth control for a month and my mood has balanced out for the first time in a long time. The screaming that used to wrack my brains is finally still. I’m still not calm, I’m still not relaxed. I’m wary because I know one day it could all come back. I know the kind of pain that is out there now and it taints all the happiness in my life.
Depression is all consuming. You can hide from it as much as you want but it will watch you from the shadows. I hate depression. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Ever. No one deserves this. And for those beautiful souls who would never hurt a fly that have to go through this day in and day out every single minute… I’m so sorry. I’m absolutely so sorry. I get it, and I’m sorry.
There’s no cure for us right. It’s all trial and error to see what works. For now, being off birth control is working for me but who knows, that could change next month. But while I have this time to breathe? I’m working on my website, Zeldaandfairies.com. I’m working on posting more often on social media, my youtube and twitter have had much more postings and I’m excited for that. It’s a change and it may not seem it to you but it’s significant for me. I’m writing, and playing games, and singing in the car! Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been able to do that?
I’m in a healthy relationship now with the most supportive man I have ever met in my life and I don’t know how I was so lucky and blessed to meet someone with such love and patience. He came to me right when I needed him, and though I know now that love isn’t always the be all end all, it’s enough. This love is enough. And I’m happy.
I hope you find what you need to help you, friends. It’s hard to sit back and watch your life pass by but I promise you, and I HATE THESE WORDS, BUT I PROMISE YOU: it will get better. It takes years and those are some scary years but trust me when I say that if I can make it through living this long, then you can, too. And it’ll be worth it.
You’re loved. You’re cared for. You may be misunderstood, but know that this community does understand you. Don’t be scared. We’ve got you. I love you.
Kay’s NEW BLOG www.kayska.com
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