TW : self-harm, suicidal thoughts
“I have depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar type 2, and I also have trauma from my childhood, grief, and from an abusive relationship that I was in.
When I’m in a relationship, my BPD-sponsored fear of abandonment manifests itself as obsessive, intrusive thoughts and images. They start out small and as time passes, they gain momentum and completely take over my mind. They dismantle me completely. They strip me of my coping skills. They make me suicidal and I turn to self-harm to alleviate the pressure of these thoughts. This part of me is a work-in-progress. I attend group therapy twice a month and recently, this issue has been my priority to discuss.
Currently, my depression is in partial-remission. I still experience symptoms but they are usually manageable to an extent. Regardless, my BPD still runs rampant – I am chronically suicidal even on my best days and I have struggled with self-harm for six years. However, over the past year, my self-harming behaviour has only gotten worse. Now, whenever I cut, it is likely that I need to visit the hospital and get medical treatment.
When I get overwhelming self-harm urges or suicidal thoughts, I “ground” myself to my living room or to my bed, and I try to reach out to someone I love, even though that is always difficult for me to do. I have a great support system. My cat Benji helps a lot as well – he always seems to walk into the room at just the right moment. 🙂
Please know that you are not alone in everything you’re struggling with. Having grown up with mental illness, my ability to manage my symptoms has only strengthened – there is hope. Sure, I still struggle but I struggle far less than I did when I was an un-diagnosed, un-medicated teenager. You’ve got this. “